A Rant!: Peeing

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You know what really GRINDS MY GEARS?

Fucking PEEING. That's what.

But seriously, first off, I have like an overactive bladder. At least, I have to pee SEVERAL times a day, at most, every hour. What is with this inefficiency? Like for real though. Have our digestion systems/bladders just not evolved? Did evolution focus on our highly complex brains capable of cognition? But don't you even think about continuing that stream of thought while you have another stream aching in your abdomen begging to be released.

For real. Peeing totally gets in my way. I'll be sitting, I may be quite comfortable in fact, farting around on the Internet, and I have to pee. I'm comfortable, I don't want to get up, and I'm not an old man (yet), so I hold it. Three episodes of Family Guy later, the pee's pounding on the door. With a sledgehammer. UGH. So I get up, walk to the bathroom, undo my belt, lower my pants, take a seat, AND THEN THERE IS SOMEONE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR. I can hear them listening to me. I can't go now! Yet the anxious urine is roiling inside my bladder, like a tidal wave against... whatever keeps the pee from coming out. It's churning inside your bladder, but the perv outside the door won't leave! Or maybe they did leave. Now you just don't know! You were too consumed with agony at the inescapable urine and the eavesdropping-tom outside the door!

This happens on road trips too. Your father only stops when absolutely necessary (read: when he has to pee) and so you jump out the minivan, knocking over some fat kid sweating because his van doesn't have air conditioning. You get into the disgusting rest stop bathroom, and after looking through five stalls, finally fine one "suitable." You clean off the seat with lots of toilet paper, lay some down because you don't want to get pregnant, undo your belt, pull down your pants and pop a squat. "Ahhhh..." you prematurely think. "Come on, pee. It's go time." But nope. The pee's just  fucking with you. It's all acting like it wants to come out, but it doesn't really care where it is: bladder, toilet, mattress, foe's "lemonade." It's been at least ten minutes now (but it feels like an eternity), and you KNOW your dad WILL leave without you, so you give one more push... nothing.

But I'm not really sure what's worse. Some perv listening to you, or having to pee all snuggled up in bed.

This happens to me... basically nightly. I'm not exaggerating. I even asked to be tested for diabetes I was peeing so much. Anyway, I'll get ready for bed, AND go to the bathroom before I settle down into Its Excellency (or, here at UM, plastic pad). Let's say it ends up being 30 minutes between the time I go to the bathroom and get in bed. Now, I am trying to get to sleep, when I feel a little "tap tap tap" on my bladder door. "It's nothing," I think, "the urine just swished around in my bladder as I rolled over." You try to go to sleep. In what seems like only a matter of minutes, the urge is unbearable. You don't want to get up. You just went to the bathroom. You are all cozy in bed... you wait... But the pee always wins.

So there are a few options, you could wear Depends.

But you would 1. still need to take them off/change them or 2. lie in urine for the night/road trip.

You could just pee your pants, but then you have the Depends options above but also are weird and will smell like urine. So the only choice is to succumb to the call of the Almighty Urine and release it into a toilet/bucket/glass of lemonade.

But at least us girls don't have to worry about that other form of waste because we don't do things like that. That's just pure sin leaking out of those boys.

Lemonade anyone? It's fresh.