Welcome To My Bed

Welcome to my bed.

It is widely known that my bed is the epitome of sleeping on a cloud made of down plucked from the wings of griffins and blessed with angel tears. At any one time, there are typically two down comforters, two pillows, one Blanshee (a microfiber/something else mix from Bed, Bath and Beyond), and four Bubbies (baby blankets the swaddle the babes of gods).

You might be saying, "Yeah, whatever. My bed is comfortable too, get over it." But you wouldn't even be half-right. You'd be full-wrong. Just note these testimonies from famous people*:

"She is my Monica." - Hillary Clinton
"I can see her bed from my house." - Sarah Palin
"I tried to buy her bed because it would be perfect for my mansion, but she wouldn't let me... great lay though." - Hugh Hefner
"The next apple product is going to be an interactive vibrator named the iBecca." - Steve Jobs
"That bed is more orgasmic than the Island." - Jacob
"Portia who?" - Ellen DeGeneres
"There is a center of the universe, and it is this bed." - Albert Einstein
"The happenings in that bed were the basis for my TV series." - Ilene Chaiken
"The happenings in that bed were the basis for my TV series." - Chris Carter

And so many more.

Additionally, in congruence with old Al's and Jacob's comments, my bed has magical and mysterious powers. There seems to be some sort of mystical force, unbeknownst to the laws of physics, that draws people to it. The pull is greatest when you are right next to the bed, in the vicinity of 20 feet, and increases with decreasing distance to the bed. However, the force is also strong at very great distances from the bed, say, at distances of thousands of miles or more. The force is weakest at intermediate distances, between 20 feet and 1,000 miles. However, the pull is also felt strongly when lying in sub-par beds (meaning, all other beds). As such, this force is wicky-wacky.

When within 20 feet of the bed, the force can get so great at times that one is simply and utterly unable to resist its pull, drawing one to the bed. As experiment has also indicated, the force seems exceptionally strong for others when I, myself, am already lying in the bed.

I have drawn some graphs to further illustrate Its Excellency, as the bed prefers to be referred to as.The results shown in the above graph have been verified numerous times since the purchase of the bed in 2006. Also, this topic is to be the focus of my senior thesis. I would really like more data for the above graph... please inquire within.


If there are more data about the bed you would like to see in graph form, please let me know.


*complete fabrication