Ants Built the Pyramids

'ello.




Please note: I wrote this at 2:30am this morning, without glasses on. Enjoy!

My roommate recently created his own ant farm. When he was first like, “DID YOU SEE MY ANT FARM!???!?!?!!” I smiled and nodded and patted him on the head with my left hand, while my right was calling the mental hospital I have on speed dial on my phone (let’s just say they know me there). Anyway, I knew Mike had a bit of that “engineer crazy” that his kind tend to have, so I brushed it off. Also, the ants looked sort of dead and there weren’t any tunnels yet, so I have to say I wasn’t impressed.

A few days later, Mike, bursting with antcitement (see what I did there?), asked if I looked at the ant farm recently. I hadn’t… because to me, the ants still looked dead and the farm still looked like a window pane half-filled with dirt. By now the farm had moved to the shelf above one of our couches (we have four), and so Mike and I climbed on up to get a look at the ants.

I do have to say I was much more impressed, and some of Mike’s antcitement may have permeated the top layer of my epidermis (← nerd). Anyway, the ants had built many a tunnel, and there were even these other kind of smaller ants with smaller tunnels… NEATO GANG!

Mike continued to point things out, like the small ant queen and the big ant queen, as I contemplated smashing the farm to bits over a homeless man’s head while the ants scurry with the dreadful fear of the coming apocalypse. As I drifted in and out to the engineer-crazy-screeching with which Mike spoke, he pointed out the hills the ants had made on top of the soil, and how you could tell the ants made them because you could see the line where the top of the original soil had lain. Additionally, he pointed out one hill that had such a steep and perfect slope on one side that it looked like a pyramid. Mike and I then hypothesized that the pyramids in Egypt were constructed my ants, and that it made perfectly logical sense. Ants can lift objects hundreds of times their body weight, so if you get thousands of ants, ipso facto pyramids (note: I don’t know what ipso facto means).

Because people quickly lose interest unless you flash something shiny at them, especially when reading my long-winded posts, I google-image searched “ants pyramids” and lo and behold, ALL MY AWARD-WINNING, FANTASMAGORICAL (I wish this word meant what I actually wanted it to), ORGASMIC, ORIGINAL IDEAS ARE NOT ORIGINAL.

First, see this cartoon I found:


Second, see this book that has been writed:





COMPLETE CRAP. My and Mike’s ORIGINAL idea that the ants built the pyramids is true and original. What must have happened is this cartoonist and this author KNOW that I am pure genius and so have had me bugged since I was born with some sort of microchip under my skin. Additionally, because they knew my genius would discover such utter stealing of ideas, they built a time machine with which they would hear my ideas and then go back to sometime in the past and enact them, so that viewers would think the idea was originally theirs. In live, the simplest solution is most often the correct one, and so, ipso facto (again, what does this mean?), I have been microchipped so that jerkfaces can steal my ideas and time travel to “prove” the idea was theirs originally.