Phone Talkin' - A Rant, Part One

The kids with their technology these days! Am I right?!!?!?!

When I was a kid, we had PHONES WITH CORDS!

It's true! She knows it. [Is she flipping me off?]


AND, the only phones that existed were in houses! Phones didn't exist outside of houses unless you were that family with a cord long enough to reach outside. Who did they think they were, anyway?


We also had to memorize the phone numbers of people we liked! Meaning, I knew three phone numbers. My own house phone, my Gram's, and my friend, Sue's, house phone. I didn't need to talk to anyone else.



Then people started developing PURE MAGIC.

And this magic was met with protests similar to those protesting Fred Phelps at this year's Comic-Con:

But anyway, this "magic" miniaturized our house phones and, gasp!, got rid of the cords! The cords that bound us to, at most, a 10-foot radius encircling half the family room and half the kitchen. It truly was liberating.


I got my first cell phone when I was 12ish. It was my Dad's old one. It had one feature! It called people. It was small, and black, and it had a two-line screen that was black with orange numbers. HOT.
I don't think I used it much, but I carried it around all the time, because I was cool like that.


Nowadays, with their hippin' and their hoppin', and their bippin' and their boppin', they don't know what the JAZZ is all about! (Name it. Five points. Not you, Nick).


But yeah, cell phones really are the shizzz, am I right? Even G-town has one. I mean, she wishes she could find one that has only the one feature, but she'll learn.

Anyway, I think getting my first cell phone at 12 (even though these days kids are handed one right when they pop out), and the fact that over the course of my sweet, innocent life cell phones went from whozitwhatsit? to ZZOOOOOOOOOMMMMGGGG DRRRROOOIIIIDDD!!! in a matter of years, has really jacked up my sense of 'waiting.'

This applies to emails too, as sending messages went from the high-wait-time of sending paper letters to the split-second-lightning-fast ability of emailing. And this really messes with my 'impatience disorder.'

If I call it a disorder, it's medical and it's not my fault. :) :) :) :)

But here's what it entails:
- headache
- upset stomach
- bloating
- nausea or vomiting
- weakness of the hands or joints
- UTTER AND PROFOUND IMPATIENCE*
- retroperitonealfibrosis

*Let me elaborate.
Now, I judge everyone else according to me. Meaning, I am normal, and everyone else is a FREAK. Thus, whatever I do/think/say is right, and everyone else is wrong. It's science, people.

Even thuser, in accordance with my impatience disorder, I have time limits within which I operate (for phone calls, texts, and emails).

Phone calls:

If you call me, but I don't answer.
DON'T leave a voice message saying, "Hey, I called. Call me back."
- I know you called. My phone tells me that (usually).
- A lot of times, I am seeing that you are calling at that very instant, I just don't want to talk to you.
- I HATE listening to voice messages. The only reason I do is either 1. Because you've got the awesomest sounding voice  IN THE WORLD, or 2. To get rid of that stupid voicemail icon.
- If I want to talk to you, I will call you back. 

There ARE stipulations to this:
1. If I don't know you, leave a message or else I'm like, "Who the balls is this?"
2. If you have an awesome voice, leave a message so I can... listen... to it later.
3. If it's important, leave a message so that I know it's important.
4. If you have vital information to tell me, leave a message.
5. If you are a business/doctor/'the man', leave a message because that's the "respectable" thing to do.
6. If you are a mom... I'LL CALL YOU BACK! But if it's important, you should TEXT ME, or else I get worried because you left a message and then I'm like, "Ahh! I should listen to this message, it could be important!" And then I have an internal struggle because I HATE having to go through the process of listening to a message. Then I try to think of all the things that could have happened and by this point, I forgot that you left a message and I'm off doing something else. EVERYONE LOSES. :) :) :) [Mom - Can't wait to miss your call and listen to your voice message telling me you called :) :) :) ]


If I call you and you don't answer. [This should never happen, but in the rare chance it does.]
Ideally, you will call me right back. But I'm not that impatient... yet... If it is important, I will leave a message. If it is just a quick question, I will send you a text (see text return time limit). Thus, for a phone call, I would hope you would return the call within a day if I was just wanting to talk. But, I know that people lose track of time, and so I am not as antsy about this time of time limit. If I need some sort of information out of you, it's one day. If we are just trying to get a hold of each other to talk, I'd give it a week before I cross you off my friends list (Phone tagging resets the time limit...).

Texting:

Texting is the way of the future man! Same with instant messaging/chatting. But this really won't take hold until we are able to italicize in our texts and chats. Italics is a vital part of my onlineical self-expression, and until we breach this hurdle, we are no better off than a monkey at a typewriter. [Wait, we could write Shakespeare? What?].

Thusly,

If I text you.
Unless you are sleeping or driving in one of those loser states, I expect a reply within five minutes. I don't think that's unreasonable. Don't 'whatever' me, man. I know your phone is glued to you (Tahlia, glue your phone to you!). Everyone has their phone at all times and in all places (except Tahlia, when she loses it... but not if it's glued to her!). There is no reason not to send me a text back, unless you're a mom and technology is hard.

But DON'T 
- text me back one-letter texts like, 'k'. You are wasting my precious texts! Especially if you are on some other dumb cell provider (Mom - did you fix that yet?). At least include a funny joke when you do this.
- write me a gd novel. I'd rather talk to you. I mean, my fingers don't need the workout ;) Except that I text with my thumbs... so that doesn't make sense. BUT YOU GET MY POINT. [Actually, I don't mind long texts, but it's hard to carry on a conversation that way, because you will text something long, and it will take me a while to respond, but then you text again, and then I have to start again or revise what I am saying and it just gets so darn complicated!]


But DO
- text me if you're bored. SO AM I.
- text me just to say 'hey' but don't have anything to talk about. This is one of the greatest results from texting I think. A lot of times, I really want to talk to you, but I legit have nothing to say. Since I'm awkward on the phone as it is, I'd feel really dumb calling and be like, "Hi. What's up?..." BUT, this is okay on text. It's more acceptable or something. I mean, who doesn't love getting, "Hey, just thinking of you, what's up?" texts? TERRORISTS, that's who. (Just kidding, even terrorists love them).


Emailing:

I think emails should generally be replied to in a couple of days, but even I don't follow this (gasp!). But I don't count the weekend as days because I know some people are freaks and don't check their email every five seconds like normal people do (me). However, if you are a professor/mentor/boss and I am working with you, you should definitely email me back that day, if not that hour (especially if you are just upstairs in your office), because, typically, I can't move on until I hear from you. And if you're the mom, I know you are just sitting at your desk playing Atlantis, so why does it take you so long to respond sometimes? UNACCEPTABLE. :) :)

At most, you should be able to respond within a week.

[I'm really glad this has turned into a rant. It's been a while.]

Another pet peeve of mine is when I email you a question and you NEVER email me back (LOOKING AT YOU TAHLIA AND MB). Now, it's not a question I need the answer to right away, so I'll give you a week... but NEVER??? COME ON! I'm not emailing you for my health (actually, I might be), so it's important! EMAIL ME BACK! I sent you that funny link because I wanted to know what you thought of it. As much as I wish I could read your (sexy, dirty) thoughts (MB), I can't (yet). SO TELL THEM TO ME. I NEED YOUR CONSTANT LOVE AND APPROVAL. CONSTANTLY.

Love you both!

Anyway, as a summary:

Type                  Time Limit (Ideal)                Time Limit (Max)
Phone Call        One day                                 One week
Text                   Five minutes                         One day
Email                One day                                 One week

Now, there are some people who are true ... 'freaks.' My ex(SAD!!!)roommate for example. Mike NEVER checked his email, even during school, and he always had his phone with him, but I rarely saw him on it in the two years we lived together. I accepted this 'alternative lifestyle', although I didn't like it. So, I would only talk to him in person, and then remind him repeatedly.

But as many of us finish college and go to grad school and jobs that may or may not be near one another, we all need a way of staying in touch! I MISS YOU GOD DAMN IT! So, if you are one of these 'alternativers' you better change. I feel like a real a-hole trying to constantly get a hold of you. That's why I love G-chat. My bfffffs are on it, and we talk at work. PERFECT. I have to say it would have been *MUCH* harder getting through these ten weeks if I didn't have T-town to talk to on G-chat almost every single day (love you!!! WRITE ME BACK! JK... I'm not waiting on an email... yet...).

But, if you are unwilling to change with the times, then I am sad to say we won't stay in touch and we will drift aimlessly apart into the infinite abyss I call, "Planet Earth." Now, I am a horrible stay-in-touch-er, but there are SOME of you that I WILL stay in touch with. So why don't you just make it easier for the both of us and call/text/email me THE F back????

KISSES!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX





PHEW! Well, that finishes the rant section. But you know what's funny? I didn't even get to the part of the post that was the idea that originally started this post... fancy that!

Mucher thuser, I am going to have to finish this tomorrow... or another day. So here is the first part.