I'M YELLING

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that a LOT of weird shit comes out of Emily’s mouth, and it’s PURE BLOG GOLD.

Well, as anyone knows, the angrier/more frustrated/drunker you are, the more you yell. On Wednesday, we were all pretty angry. We were in the midst of severe internet-lack, were given $300 parking tickets and THINGS JUST WEREN’T GOING OUR WAY.

As such, Emily and I were yellin’ junk.

At one point, Emily yelled, “CALL ME BACK!!!” at her phone. But in her drunken stupor (she wasn’t actually that drunk… yet…), I thought she yelled, “KAYAK.”

In my state of intense anger, I thought that ‘kayak’ was an AWESOME YELLING WORD.

Try it.

It’s got the harsh sounding ‘k’ that really gets the anger out.

KAYAK!!!!!!!

However, Emily noted that ‘kayak’ was lacking the breathy “f” that not only contributes to the anger of the yell, but also adds a hint of desperation. My favorite.

Thus, she came up with, “CUFFLINKS!”

It’s got both the cacophonous ‘k’ sound, but also the airy ‘f.’ A winning combination if you ask me.

But Emily was on a roll.

It often occurs to all of us that the person we are talking to deserves a firm “fuck you” to the face, but there are things that people call “social protocols” that keeps us from doing this.

SOLUTION: VACUUM.

For example, here is a conversation that could take place:

It’s 4:30pm on a Friday afternoon.
Boss: Oh, Johnson. There you are. I hate to do this to you, but this Mickol vs. The United States case is a real doozy. We need you crunch these numbers, interview each of the 237 witnesses she is calling and then create a working model of this spaceship of hers that she gave us the blueprints to. Now I know you had plans this weekend [sidenote: the plans you have is your wedding], but we are all really counting on you. Thanks for understanding.

Johnson: VACUUM.

Boss: What’s that?

Johnson: Oh, just reminding myself that I need to vacuum, sir.

Boss: Keep up the good work, Johnson.

[Boss leaves.]

Johnson: GFD!!!!!!

See, it’s perfect. AND the other person thinks you clean… occasionally. Which is definitely more than they can say from looking at you.

In other news:

Finally, after I forced Emily to catch up on my blog, at knifepoint, she commented on liking ‘Jeezy Creezy’ and that she had never heard it before. I told her it came from Eddie Izzard, blah blah blah, and she told me that her personal favorite is ‘Jeebus Cripes.’ I also kind of like this one because not only is it not offensive because it’s more than two degrees of freedom away from taking our lord and savior’s name in vain, but it also brings in the ‘dumb Southerner’ aspect that is vital to Christianity.

Lastly, if you’re feeling festive, a variation on ‘Jiminy Cricket’ is ‘Jiminy Christmas.’