Fuhrer's Day

If you're like me, you might have a hard time finding adequate Father's Day cards. Well, sometimes you just have to half-make your own.

Don't Tell Me What Not To Hate, _FORTUNE_!!!

The funny part was that I had just been telling Cheryl about something I hated! (But when am I not doing that, I mean really...)

But... I don't really agree with this fortune. First off, and most importantly, it definitely doesn't apply when I add "in bed" to the end. For example, I'm not into erotic asphyxiation. You could say I'm against it. Now, I am "knocking it before I've tried it", but I feel like almost passing out might, dare I say, weaken me? As such, by being against erotic asphyxiation, I'm actually strengthening myself (as opposed to the other option). 

Secondly, is the fortune trying to tell me I shouldn't be against things because it makes me weak? (Yes, I'm assuming that being weak is a bad thing, but let's just make this assumption and leave it at that.) Well,  it's impossible to not be against anything. You can't be both pro-life and pro-abortion. It just doesn't work that way, Fortune. 

But maybe the fortune is just saying that, while you do have to be against some things, ultimately, being against these things IS going to make you weak in some way or another, and this is something we all just have to deal with (but maybe the fortune is also implying that some things only make you a little weak, and others make you a lottle* weak, but that what things these are is saved for another fortune). 

Anyway, okay, so being against something makes you weak, if only a little. I also don't necessarily agree with this statement. I think I need a definition of 'weak.' And who decides what 'weak' is, and what kinds of "againsts" are little weak and what kinds are lottle* weak. 

Here are some definitions of 'weak' from dictionary.com:

Okay, hmm... Well, for my next example I will use the third definition that defines weak as "not having much political strength, governing power or authority." Politics is basically defined by taking a stand and being "against" one thing and "for" another. Gay marriage, abortion, the death penalty, a whole lottle* things. Now, does being "against" any one of these things make that party "weak"? HECK YES I SAY, but only because it's the Republican party and I hate them. I HATE THEM SO BAD. You could say, I'm against them... But actually, that's not the point I'm making (EVEN THOUGH IT'S TRUE). Just because this STUPID party is against gay marriage, it doesn't make the party weak. It might actually make them stronger because they have something asinine to rally about and who doesn't love rallying about asinine things? Not Republicans, that's for sure. 

So, this fortune is a joke! Unlike all other fortunes. But I think what the fortune is trying to get across can still be determined. When I first read the fortune, the way I interpreted it was, "Don't be all full of hate, man. It can really get you down." Which only really told me that I need to get out of HippieLand Boulder. But then I was like, "I can see how being full of hate can really be a drag." You could say that I hate being full of hate. But I do love the rages I can fly into because of it!!! But back to the fortune, this interpretation implies that one hates all things that one is against. This isn't necessarily true, especially because everything is not black and white. 

But again, the fortune doesn't say "hate weakens you." And it is also being pretty presumptuous by asserting that absolutely EVERYTHING you are against weakens you. So... what the hell, fortune?!?!? 

You could say, I'm against this fortune...

*SO. The asteriskses(?), asteri(?), the more than one asterisk, you ask? Well, I'm coining a new word: "lottle." It means "many" as in, "a lot." BUT, it can only be used in comparison to "a little". As in, it wasn't a little, but a lottle. As you can see in the first two uses of an asterisk, when compared to "a little",  "a lottle" works great. But when you use "lottle" by itself, as in the third instance of an asterisk, it doesn't  make nearly as much sense, and isn't half as funny. So, spread this word, but don't just use it a little, use it a lottle. 

Wowwwwwwwwwww.

Am I right?

It's been.. A WHILE. But thank god because this blog was sucking some DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. I'm not afraid to say it. I'll admit it. I'LL SAY IT.

So.

I've read two books since the last post. YEAH ONLY TWO. Reading's been a WHOLE lotta work lately.

So I read 1984 by George Orwell.  I liked it, but ultimately I felt like the book sort of just ended. Like, I definitely want to know what happens to everyone still. Is it not finished? Is there an 1984-2? TELL ME!!!

The next book I read was The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. It's still my favorite book. I suggest everyone read it, NOW. Go. I'll wait.

You back? Great. Is it your favorite book now too? Of course it is. It makes fun of humans needing to find a purpose in everything and I think that's just grand. It's just a really good book, I don't know what else you want me to say about it. Also, KurtyBoy mentions the meaning of life in the book, but he does it in such a way as to have one of the characters just mention it as a passing fact, and it's PHENOMENAL. I think it gives more power to the idea than to harp on it, you know? YOU KNOW???

Now I am reading Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut. Yeah, that's happening.

So, I guess I'll try and not let this blog suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, right? We'll see (! - Mom'll get it). But I also feel like it will pick up when I go to graduate school and have no one to talk to and SO MANY THINGS TO SAY.

:D

Yeah Yeah Yeah

SO it's been a while! Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

I do.


Well, I have some books to poorly review (the reviews will be poorly written, not that the books were poor - get with it!).

I can't be as hilarious per usual because I'm sick :( (cue pity).

So the books, right.

Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

SO THE GREAT (weird?) part is... well, let me just get to it. So I really wanted to read The Sirens of Titan by KV, but Mike had it, so I decided to read Cat's Cradle. Well, (this is where it gets good people), now get this. I was at Barnes and Noble TO GET MORE BOOKS, even though I wasn't done with Cat's Cradle yet. WELL, now this isn't a surprise because he only calls me about 80 times a day, but my brother called me. BUT HERE'S WHERE IT GETS WEIRD. I told my brosef what was the dilly-yo, and, hold on to your butts, HE WAS READING CAT'S CRADLE AT THE SAME TIME!!! We didn't even know he could read! I still don't believe it, actually. I mean, I finished the book weeks ago, and Nick just finished it today... but we were reading it in different... circumstances. You can ask him if you want.

But isn't that sorta weird? That Nick and I would be reading the SAME book at the SAME time? When Nick can't even READ???? Exactly.

As for the book, simply stunning. Kurt Vonnegut is a genius of epic proportions. And by 'genius', I mean that the barista at Starbucks told me he was schizophrenic, and if I read this book that his son wrote, it'd make a lot of sense the crazy shizzzzz this guy comes up with. But anyway, Cat's Cradle - read it! It starts off a bit... bippity-boppity, where you don't really see what the different chapters have in common, BUT THEY DO.  The beginning chapters are more background, and Vonny jumps around a lot, and they don't seem to make sense... but about halfway through the book the story continues in order and you can't put the book down. Wooooo! READ IT.


Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk

I was hesitant about this book because I've found the latest Chucky P. books to be... sub-sub par. EVEN SUBBIER. Well, I was surprised! It's a little hard to get into because the book is about a foreign exchange student in America, and it's written in broken English. But I liked it. Now, it wasn't orgastastic like his earlier books like Invisible Monsters or Survivor, but it was MUCH, MUCH more read-worthy than Rant or Diary. Anyway, it's interesting, read it. But after Cat's Cradle.

You're In

So I had to get a drug test for a possible new job. When I was there, the person told me that typically, companies test your urine for five categories of drugs including marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines, and two others... Anyway, I had a great idea (per usual). Typically, the place will call you if your test is positive. Well, you know how some doctors send you nice little "reminder postcards" when you have an upcoming appointment?

I have a better idea:

Update: The Post Office... OF EVIL!!!

SO.

I went to the Post Office to get my $18.30 that they owed me for not delivering the whos-it-whats-it to Arkansas last week. Well, for those of you who don't know (MOM), when you go to the Post Office here, you have to pay the meter for parking. Now, I also overestimate how long its going to take, even when it so happens that the line is nine years long, but this time, I figured, it won't take that long. Still, I put in 25 minutes worth of quarters. JUST TO BE SAFE. Well, I went into the Post Office, and the line was really short, only 3 people ahead of me - hurrah!

So I get up to the counter, and I tell the Mr. Man what's up. I, of course, printed out the delivery notice from the internet, had my receipt and the thingy-mc-doody for having mailed the package two-day. Mr. Man takes all of the things (I noticed his name tag said "Cinco cinco." No, he wasn't hispanic.) and has to go talk to his boss.

He eventually comes back and tells me that the delivery notices that the Arkansas Post Office posted are "weird" and he doesn't know what it means. BUT, he proceeds to explain to me like I didn't just graduate with honors in Astrophysics that the package DID arrive in Fayetteville, Arkansas by the guaranteed delivery date. I wasn't convinced, but since it had been like 24.9 minutes, I told him I had to go put more money in the meter and I would be back. He left again.

He didn't come back for a while. I saw him come into the front area on the opposite side of where I was standing, and it looked like he grabbed a phone book.

He comes back and proceeds to explain to me how schools pick up their mail - instead of signing for each piece of mail, they sign a ledger that lists every piece so that they only have to sign once. Again, he practically drew me a picture like I was going to become a future postman.

He leaves again.

It's nearing 40 minutes that I've been standing there, and he comes back. He explains to me that the package was there at the guaranteed time, but someone just didn't scan it correctly. I was ready to hear, "So... bye!" but he said he would give me my money back because the delivery notices were "confusing."

After he left again to get someone to help him hit the "cash" button on the computer, he gave me $0.50 extra because "it shouldn't have taken that long."

Oh, I also had to sign some forms up in there. And I signed a form that said I got my money BEFORE I got my money. That was risky.

So, the guy was nice. But 45 minutes?!?! GEEZ. Eh, I didn't have anything better to do.

Book Review: Water For Elephants

Hiya Kids!

Here is another book review. I just finished Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Well, it took be a little more than half of the book to really get into it. But then I liked it, and wanted to know what happened next. I'd say the last hundred pages were the best and were can't-put-the-book-down-worthy. Anyway, the preview for the movie looks really good, even though it has a glittery vampire in it. But he smiles! So. I'll see the movie probably. And I do recommend the book.

Paranoi-uh????

Well, I thought it was just me getting older but I have noticed a heightened sense of paranoia on my part. I haven't gotten Grandma-bad, where if I lose something, the only reasonable explanation is that someone broke in and took the one, single thing I am missing and didn't take anything of real value. [But only because I don't lose things... yet...] But I have grown increasingly suspicious of EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD and their INABILITY TO DO ANYTHING.


As such, I've done squinty eyes towards the POST OFFICE.

Sorta like this:

Fuckin' post office... am I right?


Well anyway, my paranoia has been completely legitimate. And I'll tell you all about it. So firstly, I've grown leery of the post office simply because I don't trust them to do their job and get my VITAL MAILING to where it needs to go. And anything I send is vital. Well, it's true! [Both that everything I send is vital and that they won't do their job].

So, when I am in New York for Christmas, I get SO MANY awesome presents, and the airlines are COMPLETE D-BAGS so I end up having to mail presents home. Well, I had some boxes and so I packed up two boxes: one was full of scrapbooking things like scissors and markers and paper and it also had three books I got for Christmas in it. The other box had other stuff. Now, I'm not retardy - I know how to tape up a box to get it ready for to be mailed - AND since I'm all leery of them, I make sure its strong and sturdy. Now, despite my leeriness, I'm not gonna pay extra for THEM TO DO THEIR JOB and get "insurance" that they won't destroy my package that I have strongholded (strongheld?) with tape.

WELL, YOU GOT ME MR. POST OFFICE MAN!

Yep, this guy.

Well, the package that I sent from myself in NY to myself in CO, the one I described above, arrived to be in Colorado IN PIECES. Mainly, it was missing one side of the box, and there was... maybe a few markers in it. None of the books. And I hope there was nothing else important, otherwise, it's gone now! So THAT was awesome. I went to the Post Office here in Colorado and asked about it, if there was anything I could do... well no! Of course not! The lady did give me a number of a section at a different Post Office called the "Nixie" Section that houses items that fall out of packages [I bet it's just the back of some guy's truck... which he empties into his house...]. Well, I called at least once a day (sometimes twice) for a week and there was NEVER anyone in the section. NEAT. Oh well.

"Okay, so that is one incident during the holidays, blah blah blah," you say. WELL! Do I have news for you!?!?

No, but really, do I?














I do. 


















This past month has been "Send in Your Graduate Applications" Month. For the LOSER schools that don't accept online applications or where I need to send extra documents in PAPER-FORM, I get to spend $18 to ship the application next-day. So I went to the Post Office last Thursday, and I needed the package to get to Arkansas (I know, I know...) by Saturday. Now, for some reason they didn't have next-day service, but they had two-day service, and it was supposed to get to Arkansas by 3pm. HA!

Well, just have a look:

Now, I hope that Postman got overtime for the three-day journey he took between January 15th and January 18th.

I mean, really????

Now, this is JUST what I need. To have my paranoid delusions COME TRUE!

As such, I think it's just safe to say that ALL of my paranoid delusions are...

NOT DELUSIONS AT ALL.

DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[Yes, this includes my fantasies surrounding my relationships, Tahlia.]

Now I have to go the Post Office and get my $18 back. Seriously, I go there like every week.

Another Comic!!

And it really relates to me!

I Really Need One of These Jars, and For a Bunch of People to Open It

Ok, One More...

So I am also hoping this comic plays into my New Year... If you catch my drift... (There are many drifts to be caught).

CATCH IT!

Survive New Year!

So I know this is sort of... untimely. But one of the comics I read is Cyanide and Happiness and I was just catching up and this comic totally represents my previous post on "Happy" New Year :)

Survive New Year!

InsomniAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Well I was hoping that once I had gradumacated and gotten my grad school essays written, that my insomnia would subside. I had inklings of hope whilst in NY when I was surprisingly able to get to sleep by 3am-ish NY time (which would be 1am-ish CO time - whoa!). And this was even in the frigid-death-cave that was the room I stayed in at my Gram's! Alas, 'twas not meant to be.

Currently, even WITH sleeping aids, and not taking naps during the day, I sleep *maybe* two hours a night, unrestful, etc. BLEH. I'm dying here people.

Well, I think I'm just gonna accept the fact that I will never again sleep at night, and just go with it. What other choice do I have, really? I'll get in bed around 1am, I'll lay there for a few hours, then I'll get up and BLOG ABOUT IT. I like the sound of that! And I mean, as long as I don't have a headache, I'm not doing too bad. I can't wait for the day when I "accidentally" shove my arm down the bagel slicer at work and whoopsiedoodle! It'll take me SO much longer to blog.


BUT this is the moment I've REALLY been waiting for. (And you too, I'm sure).

So at my like, what was it, 48th birthday this past year, my AWESOME friend got me these AWESOME gifts. Well, I was ecstatic to use them, AND BLOG ABOUT IT, but I didn't want to give it some half-assed post, and so I've been waiting for the moment to arise when I sit up in bed, put my glasses on only to seductively remove them in a, "By God! It's time!" sort of way.

Well, I'd just like you to know that I have written this ENTIRE POST with the none-other than my blog-assisting friends, THE PARTY RATS!!!

You'll notice it says right on the package that they are, and I quote, Ideal for NIGHT BLOGGING. And ideal they are.

Look at the blogaction (one word, say it out loud - blogaction (blah GAK shun)) occurring RIGHT NOW!

Why, that's the blog on the screen! 

You'll also notice these Party Rats, as it were, have super night-blogging laser-eye action (action action action action). 

It almost makes them... dare I say it?... IDEAL FOR NIGHT-BLOGGING!!!!!! 

I have yet to name my furry blog-assisting friends... but they'll be good.

I'd also like to bring attention to the two uses for Party Rats: raves and night-blogging.

DON'T FORGET BUZCO! 

Photo courtesy of Buzco La Perra Verdenegra

Book Review!

I know.

My blog's getting a little too serious these days, am I right? Well, I figure with ALL THE FREE TIME I NOW HAVE, I better step up the blogs, and thus, I'm gonna blog your world. WITH WHATEVER I WANT.

So since I'm all leisure-reading now, and not stupid-textbook-reading, hurrah!, I'll tell you what I think of the books I'm reading and YOU WILL THINK IT TOO.

The last book I read was The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. It's about a family, and it's really good. I highly recommend it. He uses big words and it's a bit over my head, and some parts I'm like, "what?" so I just skipped it, but after you get halfway through the book, I REALLY REALLY started to like it.

I don't want to give anything away, so I'll just tell you that it's about a mid-western family - two parents and their three grown children, who moved away. Long story short, it's good. Read it.