Thoughts From Driving Cross-Country Written on a Boulder Baked Box

I just drove cross-country from Colorado to D.C., and had lot's of time to sit and think. [You know, for the hours I spent just sitting... I really didn't think that much... thanks Vivian!]

Gus Gus has many fleeting thoughts that arise in his little brain (wait... does HE have a smaller hamster in HIS brain???) and due to their fleeting nature, I decided I should write them down. Now, I could have just reached behind me and gotten a piece of paper that was, literally, RIGHT THERE, but I didn't. I decided to write my ideas on a Boulder Baked box that was sitting next to me.

That's spelled C L A S S Y.


As such, here are my cross-country realizations for your reading pleasure (in no particular order... unless you consider the order in which I wrote them down particular):

1. On the road, old people and cops are practically the same.
Reasons:
- they both drive really slow
- they both drive big, old-person-y cars
- they both smell


2. I hate slow drivers who are in the "fast" lane and won't move over so you have to go around them.
Like really, just move over. If I am going faster than you (and I am), then you should be in the "slow" lane and I should be in the "fast" lane. When more than one car is forced to go into the non-passing lane to pass you, you shouldn't be in the fast lane.

3. I love my gps, Vivian.
If I hadn't had Vivian on this trip to "recalculate" when I missed a turn, I would have ended up in the backyard of some Southerner who is teaching me to make homemade meth in a bathtub... wait... that doesn't sound too bad...

4. I hate fast food.
It makes me feel dirty inside.

5. I need a camera that can take good pictures in a moving car.
6. I need a warning sign when I photo opportunity arises.
These two are related. I am unsatisfied with the pictures taken from my phone camera, and if I had used my regular camera, it would have been too hard to take the picture and pick the setting and get the flash, blah blah blah. Also, I missed many a "Welcome to [INSERT STATE]" sign because they come out of nowhere. And many a funny billboard (such as that advertising a barbeque place that showed three pigs' butts and said "Eat our butts," as well as many of Jesus). I also missed the rebuilding of the ark (in Maryland I think...).

7. 75% of cars on the road look like cops.
- white cars can be cop cars
- dark cars can be cop cars
- cars, trucks or SUVs can be cop cars
- cars with ski racks can be cop cars
- cars driving slow can be cops
- cars driving fast can be cops
- fords and chevys can be cop cars
- old people cars can be cop cars


8. If I were left-handed, I could not be writing this list.
Legibly anyway.

9. Construction speed traps are dumb.
Indiana likes to play this game. Driving through the state, maybe 10% of "Construction Area Ahead, Reduce Speed" were accurate. Seriously, there would be a sign announcing a construction area, and telling you to reduce your speed, and there was nary a single orange cone to be seen. Then in a couple miles, there would be a sign saying "End Construction Zone." It got old. Fast. A few other states liked doing this too.

10. Number of tires >> amount of roadkill
This saddens me, especially because I was getting REAL sick of fast food, and bloody, gory death turns me on. Anyway, there were FAR more shredded tires on the road than roadkill. I saw *maybe* 5 animals, but over 10 tires. Maybe all the fresh roadkill was taken before I got a chance to view it... lucky ducks.

11. I am going to start selling Kentucky Jelly (because no one else is, or is advertising anyway).
As I was driving through Kentucky, I REALLY REALLY wanted to see a billboard advertising KY Jelly. Hehehe. Wouldn't that be great thought? Becca's Kentucky Jelly! HEYOOOO!!!!!!!!

12. MY. BUTT. HURTS.

13. People like naming creeks after beavers.
:)

I'd have more if I started thinking before the last day of my trip. Oh well. There's always the return ride.

PHOTODOC DAY THREE TRAVELS

HI EVERYBODY!!!!! (Hi Dr. Nick!)

So I have finally made it to my destination, the University of Maryland at College Park.

Last night, I got to Washington, D.C. around 9pm and then finally made my way to my friend's apartment. Vivian has seriously been a lifesaver, and I would still be stuck in KansASS still (NOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOO!!!!). Driving in DC wasn't bad... there are double yellow lines and I was like, "Whaaaaaaaaa?" and then the roads turn at like different places and there's no street signs and tons of lights and the road continues but there's three new directions and you're like, "WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?"

Like this:

SERIOUSLY. Like look at Connecticut Ave NW and R Street... there's like SEVENTEEN ROADS THERE. WHICH ONE DO I TAKE???????

Luckily, Vivian likes to "recalculate" and it's GREAT.

Anyway, let's start at the beginning:

So I set my alarm for 10:30am on June 4th, hoping to leave by 11:30am-ish. I got up at noon. Check out was at noon. So I threw things around and then checked out and then sat in my car.

Isn't it weird how you don't remember things from an hour ago, let alone a day ago? Yeah.

So then I drove. On this leg of the trip, I drove through Kentucky, West Virginia, Maryland, and D.C.

Throughout my venture, I kept seeing signs that would just say, "ADULT." Technically (age-wise, not mentally), I am an adult, and so I wondered if I should go there. Is it where adults congregate? Is it like a weigh station for trucks, but for people? Are you required to stop there in your travels? I had so many questions and no answers... and J.J. Abrams was nowhere to be found. Then I wondered, "Why doesn't it say "Adults" instead of "Adult"? Can there only be one adult at a time?

I guess I'll never know...

WOOOOOEEEEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE!!!!!! That's my siren/alarm noise and that means its WALMART TIME PEOPLE!!!!!!


So I needed some gas and I just *knew* there would be a WalMart here, so I stopped.

I think it's somewhere in West Virginia. Anyway, not too great of creatures, but I'm getting better at taking pictures.

She had a great walk. She was struttin' her stuff. UH UH UH.

This woman was sportin' some sweet crocs. And anyone who wears crocs is dib-worthy. Usually. Because Crocs are disgusting. And I don't want to hear "but they are comfortable," I'd rather put pieces of glass in my sneakers and walk ten thousand miles (when all I need is a spoon) than wear crocs.

OLD LADY TIME. Two of these ladies were in line in front of me at the checkout, and the checkout lady was also old... IT WAS A TRIFUCKTA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! (Get it?!?!?! Ask your mom to explain it.)

 This woman was pretty rad.

See here for more WalMartians... They aren't of the caliber of People of WalMart... BUT I'M WORKING ON IT.


Maryland snuck up on me like the dirty whore it is, so I didn't catch the sign. But there was this one:

The yellow sign should say, "is delicious."

So today's drive was bend-y (I can't say wind-y because it's not windy... it's windy... see the problem?!?!?), but very green! It was really pretty green. But it was hilly. And my car doesn't like hills. AT ALL. And I think my fuel gauge is messed up... so YAY! Long story short, I had to pay attention this entire drive which isn't how I like to drive. The first two days I just put the car on cruise control, laid in the back and took a nap. But West Virginia and Maryland are WAYYYYYYY hilly and wind-y and junk. But it was pretty. See pictures here.


Me taking a break to be FUCKING AWESOME:

Oh, and my butt was REALLY HURTING by this point:

Mmmmm... that's a present for you.

This is in Maryland:

It's Sideling Hill. Neat.

ALMOST THERE!!!!!

So I didn't take any pictures when I got to D.C. because it was really dark and I was meeting a friend and blah blah blah DEAL WITH IT. But I will take a picture of my mileage tomorrow and determine how far I drove. Except that I drove around and did some errands today but WHATEVER.

Anyway, I got to my friend's apartment and he has such a great view! You can see the Washington Monument and the Capitol from his window. There is also a rooftop patio which is sweeeeeeeeeeeetttttt. I will take pictures when I am back there and it's daytime.

So my friend and his roommate and I went to Town, a gay club about a block from his house. 

COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK.

I'd do me.



After we got to the club, there was a pageant going on upstairs:

Downstairs, 3oh!3 came on the screen! Since Albert and I lived in Boulder, we both took a picture of the screen because WE ARE COOL LIKE THAT. His roommate lived in Boulder but didn't take a picture... how lamesuck of him.

After a little bit, a drag show started downstairs (this week is Pride!!!)!! YAY!!! The first couple queens were great, and then it went real downhill, so we went upstairs to dance since the pageant was over.

[SIDENOTE: I HAVE PRESENTS FOR SOME PEOPLE (6 readers, I think) FROM TOWN AND IT IS AWESOME AND YOU WILL LOVE IT. If you know you aren't included in the six but want a present, let me know, I will probably be going back there.]

After the club, we all went back to Albert's apartment, and went to the roof and hung out and talked for EVER. Then we went to bed... separately :( or did we????? ;)


In the morning, I showered, and as soon as I turned off the water, the fire alarm went off... NEAT! Albert ran out screaming, and his roommate waited for me as I got dressed. Yes, we took the elevator. We stood outside for a few minutes, and then it turned off. Later, we learned someone had pulled the alarm. What a lamesuck, uglydumb person they must be.

Then Albert and I walked to DC Noodles and ate lunch. Then he walked me back and I left for University of Maryland.

I got here and met the program coordinator. She handed me my keys and said, "See you Monday!" then peaced. I probably smelled.

I brought most of my shizzzzz in, and sweated off seven pounds in the process. Luckily the apartment is air-conditioned. But as I was unpacking, I was still sweating uncontrollably. Neat. Isn't humidity great? (It isn't).

It's so humid here that I literally sweated my dick off. Like seriously, I have no dick anymore. My friend commented that that was weird considering how big it was. I agreed. But it's just that humid. And I sweated my balls off the previous day.


The apartment is sort of a common area-thingy. There is a kitchen and a "family room" with some couches. There are two double rooms and two singles. I have a roommate, she's from Moscow, and just graduated from a university in Virginia. She seems cool. I don't know if they have "pillow fights in your underwear" in Russia, so I'm nervous about bringing it up. Also, anytime she says anything like, "I have to go to the bathroom," I am going to respond with, "In Soviet Russia, bathroom goes you" in my best (worst?) Russian accent. She'll love it, it'll be great. TEN SHORT WEEKS!!!! One of my friends thinks it'll be two weeks before she asks for a new room assignment... I said, "that long?"


Saving the best for last, I FOUND A VERIZON AND ORDERED MY FUCKING DROID TODAY. I am so unbelievably excited, its unbelievable. Is it here yet? I hope so. It should get here in 2.5 weeks. Someone tell me when that is. [I am so used to Vivian telling me everything I need to know for the last three days that I have decided not to wake Gus Gus up for anything anymore.]

Woo!! DROID!!! I got a red case and a car charger and a bluetooth and some screen protectors and I am thinking of cuddling with the Verizon bag when I sleep tonight, in hopes the Verizon fairy will visit sooner than 2.5 weeks.

But I am also worried that the Droid will not arrive because the guy I worked with at the store was... RETARDED. It must have been his first day. AND HIS LAST. (HA!) Just kidding... it wasn't that bad because I knew exactly what I wanted, AND HOW TO GET IT. But we spent, legit, 30 minutes of me telling him how to put my campus address into the store's system. But in 2.5 weeks, I'll forget all about it. But I did remember his name in case I need to go back and yell and do some face-in-wall smashing. It's John.

Um... there were more things I wanted to say, but I forgot what they were. Hmm... Hmm...


Well, I am hanging out tonight. Gonna watch Blades of Glory with my friend in Colorado. We are both gonna start the movie at the same time. It'll be like we are watching it together! And then at a predesignated spot, we will both stop watching the movie and start "watching" the movie... if you know what I mean. I'M EXCITED.

Tomorrow, I might be hanging out with Albert some more. Then on Monday... THINGS HAPPEN. I'm scared. But this entire week is Pride in D.C., and then on Saturday, they are airing one of the World Cup games in DuPont Circle, and then the parade is afterward. YAY!

PHOTODOCUMENT DAY TWO TRAVELS

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I drove another billion miles today. I left Lawrence, KS at about 11am.

I passed two WalMarts right after I left, but I didn't stop because 1. I just left and 2. They were past the exits... AGAIN.


Then when I was ready for a WalMart to happen upon me... there wasn't one. But there was... (!!!)

This thing! I was like, "Whoa! What is that?! Is it an old haunted jail?!?!?!"

No. It was a mill. I don't remember where this was. Who cares!

But this was neat:

The St. Louis Arch. More pictures here.


So I was really down about driving FOR-FREAKIN'-EVER, and for not having been in a WalMart yet today, when the skies opened up and Zeus himself spit upon the ground outside my car.

I was following Vivian's (my GPS voice) directions, and this a-hole in a blue truck wouldn't let me get all the way over and so I missed the turn for the routey-thingy I wanted. So Vivian was getting me back to the correct highway. I had to get off at the next exit, and as soon as I passed one building, I knew I should get my camera at the ready. AND READY I WAS!!!

Unfortunately, I was not propositioned by any of the three... "working"... "girls"... But I plan on missing this same turn on the way back ;) They were TOTALLY dibs-worthy.

Unfortunately, I missed one of them. They only "emerged" if a man was driving... I'm guessing...

And also unfortunately, "pictures taken with my camera were actually taken much, MUCH closer than they appear." Seriously. It's weird, I wasn't that far away from them... if you catch my drift ;)

Right after I "filled up my tank" (wait, what?) this appeared: (!!!)

But it was probably another dumb mill.


I saw a few of these signs on my travels through Kansas/Missouri/Illinois/Indiana/Kentucky, and I thought they were interesting:

It's a "Refitting and Mastectomy Center" which I was like "WHAT?" but I looked at the website and it makes more sense. I thought they sold bras AND did mastectomies... I don't think that's the case...

This is Larry Flynn's Hustler Club. It IS safe to assume this is where I took the girls from above. [Should I know who that is? He sounds familiar... Toothless McGumpy?]

I reached 1000 miles driven on this trip! HOLLER!!!

DANG! Does my thumb look freakishly long? Well, you know what they say about guys with long thumbs... DOUBLE DANG!!

Ew. No, I did not shower today. And yes, I am breaking out like WHOA. I have a new favorite word, in addition to "lamesuck." It is "uglydumb." That is how I describe this picture. I will be using these new words EXTENSIVELY.

This is Louisville, KY.

I am currently in Lexington, KY. It's... Let's just move on.

I leave for D.C. tomorrow where I will spend the night with my awesome friend, and then head to the University of Maryland on the 5th to meet the program director. I'M SCARED.

Again, see this for more pictures. :)

PHOTODOCUMENT DAY ONE

.




Hi Ls and Gs!
(Lezzes and Gays)

As you all know, I began my three-day-long journey from Boulder to Washington, D.C. today. I left WAY too early today, at 11:34am (after getting gas and Starbucks-sustenance).


I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my day and its highlights (there are some good ones). However, I am not going to post ALL the pictures I took today here, I will post them here. Also, the pictures aren't great... because I took them with my NON-DROID phone camera. But once I get my Droid, THE PICTURES WILL EXPLODE OUT OF THE PAGE LIKE A BUTTERFLY EMERGING FROM ITS PUPA BUT THE BUTTERFLY EXPLODES OUT WITH ORGASMIC FURY.


There were some real nice bugs.


Kansass totally snuck up on me. AND THEN WOULDN'T LEAVE. (Above is the "Welcome to the KansASS of America" sign).


I saw this window decal at a gas station. I spent a good five minutes deciding whether or not to get it. I didn't... :( I regret the decision.


A sign for a great Mexican restaurant. I didn't realize the authenticity of Irish-Mexican food.

MORE SWEET YELLOW BUG ACTION.

I told many of you that the highlight of my cross-country trip would be visiting the various WalMarts I encounter to try and capture some of my own "creatures." Well, I kept my eyes out for WalMarts anytime there was more than just a McDonald's and a gas station at the exit. However, the first WalMart I missed because it was past the exit (this was in Colby, KS). Then I didn't see any for a while. THEN I DID (in Fort Hays, KS). I stopped in. On the way, I saw the Carlos O'Kelly's sign. I took a picture of it. See above.

I decided to do a lap in the WalMart, with my camera at the ready.

I have to say, I HIGHLY COMMEND the people who contribute to People of WalMart because IT IS HARD to be discrete and capture the creatures. Anyway, here is my try:

I was trying to get the girl in the red shorts because she was HIGHLY DIBS-WORTHY.

SEE HOW HARD THIS IS.

I will just need more practice.



Oh, in case you were wondering:

I bet the DROID has some sort of zoom feature unlike my current piece of lamesuck.

(FYI: NEW FAVORITE WORD = LAMESUCK).

WINDFARM!! NEATO!!!!

And about 8:20pm (Boulder-time) or about 9:20pm (KansASS time), I arrived at my hotel (if you can call it that...). So my trip was about nine hours... seemed longer. And 584 miles. WOO.

BUT THERE IS MORE!!! And it is GREAT.

I arrived at the hotel, and I was waiting at the desk in the lobby for an employee to show up. As I was waiting, this big guy and his friend walk out of the "lounge" (= bar). He is a very big guy, in a red shirt and a baseball cap (I didn't want to look much closer). But I did notice that he was missing most of his front teeth, and the rest were nice and black. Anyway, him and his friend were walking outside to smoke and he spittled some words out at me through his tooth-hole:


Toothless McGumpy: *slurrrrrrrrrrrring some words*
Me: I'm sorry?
Toothless: [Sounded a bit like:] Can I come to your room later?
Me: [Stunned] Um, no.
Toothless: Don't you remember me?
Me: No.
[He puts his arm around me.]
Me: Where do I know you from?
Toothless: Applebee's.
Me: Um, I haven't been to Applebee's.
Toothless: [He slurs something about meeting me and my friend there.]
Me: Which Applebee's?
Toothless: [He points.] Iowa. (I'm assuming a street.)
Me: Um, I just got here... from Colorado.
Toothless: [He stares blankly at me for AN ETERNITY and then slurs something like "oh" and walks away.

Let's just say I slipped my extra keycard under his door. ;)

I invited his friend too. ;)